Didn't want it like this but "life's what happens when you're busy making plans", or so they say. So, gotta roll with it. I always leave it to the dice, don't I? My bf doesn't like it, he laughs at how I roll 'em. But the hell with it! I'm a player. And a good one.
He likes me. In a way that makes me unconfortable. Why? I have no idea. I wish Bianca was here. I like talking to her about certain nonsense...
I feel strong and I feel weak at the same time. I wish I had Rachel's tarot and entropy habilities. I like her, lol. But I digress. You know what I mean. I'm out and he insists on pulling me in. That's how we play. I shouldn't do it. I'm sick as it is. But can I stop it? Could I stop it? I like it, but how far can I go without getting hurt, without getting worse? I'm not gonna do anything. Same as before. I'm keeping my hands out of the blankets. If it's gonna happen, it's gonna be his issues. It makes me feel powerful, but it's still I who's being used. What a wicked game we play, to make me feel this way. What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you. No, I don't wanna fall in love... with you. I don't wanna hear him saying that. Not this close to me. I don't wanna see him looking at me. Not this close. I don't wanna feel him kissing me. I want a fair play. Not this sick. I don't want it this sick. You're sick. I don't wanna be any more sick than I already am. 'Cause I'm too sick. When will it be enough? I was looking forward to nothing to happen. But something happent. And it changed it all. It made me wonder. And he keeps coming back, even though we said good-bye. I don't know what I want, what I should do. I just know it hurts so good... And I don't even like him. Well, I like him a little... Maybe his crazyness. But that's all. He's not that good at all. But there's just something about him... He tried to throw me away. He pushed me back. And I know him enough to know that there's gonna be more. He thinks we've got a pact. I didn't agree to anything, chéri. But I'm gonna have my time to ask you why. I wanna finish it. I wanna show you how I feel, how I feel you're inferior, how I feel you don't even deserve respect. You're phony, you're a fake. But I don't buy your facade.
As I visualize myself unmasking you, I feel sad, because there's something so childish about you, that even gives me pity. Anyhow... I just wish I was healthier. It's like I'm not even here. I don't know where I am. I feel sad.
P.S.: jogando o Tarot pra tentar entender o que isso significa, saiu a carta d'O Julgamento: renascimento, nova etapa, punição ou recompensa merecida, prestação de contas...
